So .. ALOT has happened since April.. and when I mean a lot it feels like about 8 life times worth of stuff.. if in April you told me the past few months would happen the way they have, I would’ve bet probably a million pounds that it would never happen! But here we are only 5 months later and my life has begun to roll down Everest at full speed and hasn’t stopped yet.. currently signed off work.. trying to sort out my brain.. hopefully I’m going to get some support and I’ll be able to go back to work and get my life back on track or just appear and feel okay for a bit longer …
I think I’m going to be coming back..
Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been having to make a lot of decisions and try to sort stuff for my new job and training!
I’ve had an ocd flare up and just that’s been tiring, been at my other home for a while which has been good for me because I’m more social and i adjust to being around people! Even though it still exhausts me!
Currently just snuggled up in bed waiting for hubby to come home from work! I haven’t seen him that much and I won’t next week either as it’s easter and that means his work is super busy!!
Coming off pregabalin has been a big difficult challenge which I’m still dealing with, my body is still adjusting to not having the drug in my system even though I’ve been coming off it since November!
I’m tired a lot, I have cold and flu symptoms, my anxiety is off the charts, my body tremors are back badly, and I have headaches / migraines daily!
I’m sleeping so much but not feeling rested!!!!!
I don’t start training for two weeks so I’m using this time as holiday because I know getting used to being out every day will be hard!
I’m going to start to blog more as it’s so helpful and therapeutic!!
I am a bad person. I have hurt someone close to me and I learning the after math…
I like to think that I’m a kind caring loving person but truthfully I’m not sure who I am anymore.. am I becoming more unwell? Am I getting my period? Am I tired? Am I deprived of food? Am I just on a sugar rush?
I don’t know what my brain is saying… I think it is my OCD acting up over the fact that my BPD takes away all my control in life so my OCD reacts by becoming more controlling but in such a negative way…
I swap from being so positive and happy about life and recovery etc to wanting to die within minutes!
I am honestly scared right now, I’m not sure how to go forward, is there a forward, or do I just go backwards completely …
I’m so badly lost and I’m a bad state.
Today is for most people just another day, it’s Mother’s Day.
I send love to mothers, mothers who aren’t here anymore, mothers who can’t be with there children, mothers who have their babies in the sky, mothers who can’t be mothers and mothers waiting to be mothers.
I love you all, mothers are incredible, so strong, brave, caring, kind most amazing humans ever.
The love from a mother is the purest form of love that exists.
Mothers are strong, they are brave and they are selfless.
I love my mother.
I send love to those grieving today.
Tomorrow is a fresh new day.
I’m stepping away from everything and everyone I know. I don’t want to speak to people, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want anything to happen. I’m just wanting to lay in the grass in the sunshine and watch the birds go by and listening to the bees buzzing ….
I don’t know if When I will be back or if I will come back…
I love you all