Its now half two on the 2/5/2020.. its been AWHILE since I have last written like it feels like 10 years worth of life has happened.

I wont go into detail because that’s the past.

I am listening to some old music sitting at my desk, I have the shakes from a strong coffee and from taking steroid tablets for my lungs.

Its the middle.. of the global pandemic of covid but im not going to write about that because that’s all we here about now a days, I’m writing again because its BPD awareness month and this is my BPD blog really. and I didnt sleep well last night so im sleepless… get it its the name of my blog.. good lets continue.

I am open with some friends and my twitter life about my BPD, its easier as there is very little judgement and more understanding about this “mysterious nasty disorder” with this group of people. I am trying to make myself an advocate in work for speaking up about BPD as I work in a mental health community and I work openly with my mental health challenges. My family have an awareness but aren’t really fully understanding sometimes of my BPD but that’s life.

My favourite bpd thing today comes from tumblr and is simple:

“BPD, known as brain please don’t”

Just making me chuckle everytime I think of it to be honest.

I have a love- hate relationship with this particular disorder because somedays i feel all the emotions in the world, and I can become distressed at E V E R Y T H I N G .. for example I can breakdown and think people hate me over the way they say “hi” but its just “hi” but I can think that its with spite or hatred, I can think the cat hates me and wants me dead because she meowed “differently”. BUT other days I can spend like a good hour looking at a tree and crying because of how beautiful nature Is and how its incredibly mind-blowing that i’m alive and I get to experience the amazing joys of this gorgeous cherry tree in the yard 5 minutes from my house that looks like a wedding dress and the smell of this tree is bringing tears to my eyes now because i’m in such awe that this tree this year looks the most stunning beautiful and it takes my breath away. BUT now im heartbroken because im not allowed to go and see the tree anymore because of a contimation issue with my neighbours and the black clouds are over my head and it makes me feeling such dark thoughts because this one tree makes such joy for me and im mad I cant see it but I know its for a good reason but now I feel selfish and mad and im getting worked up and pissed off and this whole paragraph is literally over a tree that most people would be like oh yeah its nice. But to me this tree could literally mean that difference of me going out side and spending the day looking at nature outside or being in bed of the day feeling so low at dark that I wouldn’t eat all day and I would probably cry and argue and scream at my family.

this is a snippet into my BPD, its like I said a love hate relationship. I feel everything and nothing at once, its magical yet a curse at the same time.

until we meet again,

stay glourious,

Andrina

So .. ALOT has happened since April.. and when I mean a lot it feels like about 8 life times worth of stuff.. if in April you told me the past few months would happen the way they have, I would’ve bet probably a million pounds that it would never happen! But here we are only 5 months later and my life has begun to roll down Everest at full speed and hasn’t stopped yet.. currently signed off work.. trying to sort out my brain.. hopefully I’m going to get some support and I’ll be able to go back to work and get my life back on track or just appear and feel okay for a bit longer …

I think I’m going to be coming back..

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I’ve been having to make a lot of decisions and try to sort stuff for my new job and training!

I’ve had an ocd flare up and just that’s been tiring, been at my other home for a while which has been good for me because I’m more social and i adjust to being around people! Even though it still exhausts me!

Currently just snuggled up in bed waiting for hubby to come home from work! I haven’t seen him that much and I won’t next week either as it’s easter and that means his work is super busy!!

Coming off pregabalin has been a big difficult challenge which I’m still dealing with, my body is still adjusting to not having the drug in my system even though I’ve been coming off it since November!

I’m tired a lot, I have cold and flu symptoms, my anxiety is off the charts, my body tremors are back badly, and I have headaches / migraines daily!

I’m sleeping so much but not feeling rested!!!!!

I don’t start training for two weeks so I’m using this time as holiday because I know getting used to being out every day will be hard!

I’m going to start to blog more as it’s so helpful and therapeutic!!

I am a bad person. I have hurt someone close to me and I learning the after math…

I like to think that I’m a kind caring loving person but truthfully I’m not sure who I am anymore.. am I becoming more unwell? Am I getting my period? Am I tired? Am I deprived of food? Am I just on a sugar rush?

I don’t know what my brain is saying… I think it is my OCD acting up over the fact that my BPD takes away all my control in life so my OCD reacts by becoming more controlling but in such a negative way…

I swap from being so positive and happy about life and recovery etc to wanting to die within minutes!

I am honestly scared right now, I’m not sure how to go forward, is there a forward, or do I just go backwards completely …

I’m so badly lost and I’m a bad state.

Today is for most people just another day, it’s Mother’s Day.

I send love to mothers, mothers who aren’t here anymore, mothers who can’t be with there children, mothers who have their babies in the sky, mothers who can’t be mothers and mothers waiting to be mothers.

I love you all, mothers are incredible, so strong, brave, caring, kind most amazing humans ever.

The love from a mother is the purest form of love that exists.

Mothers are strong, they are brave and they are selfless.

I love my mother.

I send love to those grieving today.

Tomorrow is a fresh new day.

I’m stepping away from everything and everyone I know. I don’t want to speak to people, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want anything to happen. I’m just wanting to lay in the grass in the sunshine and watch the birds go by and listening to the bees buzzing ….

Stay safe…

I don’t know if When I will be back or if I will come back…

I love you all

A x

Today has been a very difficult day, physically and mentally.. there’s a lot swirling around in my head. My whole body and mind feel completely overwhelmed and freaked out. I don’t know what the exact reason is but there’s a couple of options.

It’s going to be a harder time for the next month .. so I’m just taking it day by day. Breathing and listening to my body. My body feels like a thin empty glass shell, I feel like the world is moving in all the wrong ways.

That is a rough exact of what my brain says to this matter.I just want to say whatever your doing on the internet, think before you hit enter in a world of screen shots it can be an extremely hard, embarrassing place. Protect yourself and remember if you wouldn’t say or do it in person, don’t say it online. Spread love and positivity in this world of hate so that hopefully tomorrow can be a better place

I will try to start blogging more I promise!

Today I have had my first proper twitter fight. My friend and myself have been attacked for reminding people to remember to take there medication. Just a nice simple kind way so that people are safe and take their daily medication. I always speak to people with the respect and kindness I would except people would treat with! we are all here together to love and support and help each not to turn on each other! This community is kind and caring and pulls together when we need to support each other! I’m so emotionally scared after this situation.

I don’t know how to move on from this…

That is a rough exact of what my brain says to this matter.I just want to say whatever your doing on the internet, think before you hit enter in a world of screen shots it can be an extremely hard, embarrassing place. Protect yourself and remember if you wouldn’t say or do it in person, don’t say it online. Spread love and positivity in this world of hate so that hopefully tomorrow can be a better place